Why is it so incredibly difficult to let people around us change? Right now, our house has a 13 month old who is trying to get the courage to walk on her own. Everybody gets excited when babies begin to change and grow, even when they fall down. But, for some reason, it irritates us when grown people mess up. Why do we expect people to have it all together?
My baby, Anna has had the capability of walking now for several months, but for her own reasons, she won’t do it. What good would it do to berate her or yell at her or ignore her? None. In fact, all of those negative responses from us would begin to tear down her sense of well being, her sense of safety in our home and her ability to like herself. Instead, we choose to permit her time. We give her permission to take a step and fall. We give her our blessing, because we know that she will get it one day. One way to allow people to change is to give them the necessary time and opportunities.
Change is the process of becoming different. Life is a process. Growing up is a process; just like a baby learning to walk, it doesn’t happen all at once. God created us with the ability, and the “want to,” to change. And yet, somewhere along the line, we decide that certain people just can’t change.
I know a man who spent most of his life consumed with bitterness over things that had happened to him. It affected his family and his other relationships as well. After a long time, he began the difficult process of changing. The problem was that those closest to him did not allow him to change, and it seemed like he gave up.
I had a time in my life where I had given up on myself. I had a friend, whom I wronged. When she brought my behavior to my attention, I felt very sorry, and I told her I would do better. But, just like my baby, I fell down again. I let her know I was sorry a second time and resolved to do better. However, I didn’t really understand why I kept doing that same thing. Many months later, God started to work on my heart, revealing the root cause, and I was able to make the necessary change in my life. But, it was too late for our friendship. She had given up hope that I could change and said as much to me.
I had almost given up hope that I could change in that area as well. Since she strongly believed I’d be the same as I always was, I subconsciously believed that I was incapable of change. Sometimes it is easier to just give up and say, “Well, if they think I’m _________, then I’ll just be that way.”
However, when I allow those closest to me to change, it will improve and deepen our relationship and trust for one another. Another benefit of allowing people to change is giving them hope. One of my husband’s father’s sayings regarding forgiveness was, “If _______ can forgive me, then maybe God can forgive me too.” Sometimes people have such a hard time forgiving themselves, they think God can’t forgive them. But, when they see that I can forgive them, they have hope that God can too.
I do not wish to be the reason someone else thinks he/she cannot change. What this requires of me is an attitude of speedy forgiveness. It requires that I choose to give the benefit of the doubt. It requires that I expect and anticipate change in others. It requires a decision to not become impatient. It requires that I let God be in His place, that of judging and convicting, and that I stay in mine.
Who am I to say that someone can’t refine and adjust his/her life? Just as my baby is surrounded at home by four big people who applaud her as she is changing, I need to encourage and allow people in my life to become whom God has created them to be.
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