The year I turned forty, Caleb was twelve, Megan was ten, and I became pregnant! That summer, when I was twelve weeks along, we were visiting my family in Vermont and had taken a trip down to New Hampshire to see one of my aunts and cousins. The last full day we were there, I began to bleed. It became apparent pretty quickly I was losing my precious baby.
My husband was traveling for work. I was away from home. It felt unbelievable that I was in the process of losing my baby. Looking back on that horrible day, I specifically remember how my aunt treated me. She became a life giver to me. Using her gifts of a “nurse,” she listened; she showed concern, and she comforted me.
The next day, a Thursday, as we traveled back to Vermont, we stopped at a Mc Donald’s. Because I had no idea what to expect during my miscarriage, it is probably an understatement to say I felt completely overwhelmed when I went into the bathroom and gave birth to my tiny, little girl. I held her in my hands, absolutely speechless. After awhile, my mom came in to see if I was OK. She stayed with me as I used her phone to call my husband and also my aunt. Though I felt alone and unsure, God had provided three people to be with me and breathe life into me.
Finally, on Friday night, my husband and I were able to see each other. Up until this point, I had just kept all my emotions “in.” It was late at night when he got home, and I remember crossing my arms in front of me when he hugged me. When we finally got back from the airport and went to bed, I turned away from him, laying in a fetal position. Looking back, I realize I didn’t want him to touch me because I had lost our child. I felt so empty. I cried… really, I sobbed my heart out.
The next morning, my husband woke up and got everything ready to bury our child. When the time came, he took me out to the brook and washed our little one with the clean, fresh water of my upbringing. The sack she was in laid flat over her face so he could see her little nose. That simple fact comforted me. She had a face. She had a nose. She was real.
Then, Ron took my hand, and we walked up the hill to bury her. I remember the yellow flowers in the field brushing my legs as I walked through them, as if God had made them grow just to comfort my spirit. We buried her in a beautiful clearing overlooking the green mountains of Vermont. Ron placed the little headstone he had taken from the brook, and we prayed the Kaddish, a mourner’s prayer that sanctifies God’s Name. The words comforted me as nothing else could. (1) Afterwards, I remember turning to Ron with my arms wide open, ready to hug him once again. That day my husband was a life giver. He took care of the details. Most importantly, he was just with me.
Later, we took the kids up to her tiny graveside and spread a blanket on the ground. We talked. We let them ask questions. We let them grieve. We prayed together. We were going to get through this as a family by intentionally choosing to be life givers to one another.
A week later, a friend asked my husband, “Is Mel angry at God?” I remember feeling surprised at the question because I wasn’t mad at God. And, THAT surprised me. Ten years earlier, I’m pretty sure I would have been angry and hurt and bitter and very lonely.
But, God had done so much work in my life up to this point, healing me, teaching me, maturing me in my faith. Part of being a life giver is maturing in your faith. I used to think maturing in my faith was in my head, calculated by the knowledge that I had. Now, I know that maturity is what happens in my heart, calculated by the choices I make: how I respond to God, to people and to myself when I’m in a stressful situation. You know you’re maturing when you’re being squeezed, when life is bad, but in spite of it all, you think and respond differently than you once did.
Another part of this story is that the day I began to miscarry was the eve of Megan’s tenth birthday, an important day for a girl! I had planned to pull together a party for her, but, I couldn’t go anywhere that day. I couldn’t do anything. My cousins stepped up and did an amazing job of giving life to my family. They bought her a cake, got decorations, had wrapped presents and even cooked dinner for everyone! They saw our need and took care of it without even mentioning it to me. Can you imagine how that made me feel?
I’ve been thinking about how I make people feel ever since the women’s ministry team at my church began having the conversation of how to inspire others to become life givers. (2) I’ve been pondering how I can do very specific things that would bring life to others. I’m asking the hard questions like: What kind of energy do I bring to a room? How am I acting? What am I saying? How do people feel when they walk away from me?
To measure how I’m doing, I can look at the following definitions of a life giver. (3)
1) A life giver is a woman who has received life from Jesus.
Even when I was in the midst of the painful loss of my third child, I received life from God. During this tragic time, I found that He had been nothing but a comfort to me.
2) A life giver is maturing in her walk with God.
That summer was a time I wouldn’t want to go through again, but I knew who I was in Him. I knew Who was my comfort and strength.
3) A life giver is intentionally helping others experience life through Him.
So many people gave life to me during that summer: my mom, my aunt, my cousins, my husband, even my children.
They all enabled me to experience life in the midst of losing life.
Today, I will choose to follow their examples and be a life giver to those around me.
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1. The words to Kaddish: Let the glory of God be extolled; let His great Name be hallowed in the world whose creation He willed. May His kingdom soon prevail, in our own day, our own lives and the life of a ll Israel, and let us say: Amen. Let His great Name be blessed forever and ever. Let the Name of the Holy One, blessed is He, be glorified, exalted and honored, though He is beyond all the praises, songs and adorations that we can utter, and let us say: Amen. For us and for all Israel, may the blessing of peace and the promise life come true, and let us say, Amen. May He who causes peace to reign in the high heavens, let peace descend on us, on all Israel and all the world, and let us say:Amen. May the Source of peace and the Prince of His presence send peace to all who mourn and comfort to all who are bereaved. Amen.
2. The mission statement of the women’s ministry at my church is: Vanguard Women intentionally teach and inspire others to be godly life givers, by together maturing in our faith and investing in the next generation.
3. These statements are part of the women’s ministry’s definition of what a life giver is.
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