Forgiveness is a tough thing. It seems simple enough, just say, “I forgive ______.” But, why is it that sometimes bitter, resentful feelings pop up after forgiving? Why do we wish the past would be different? And, how long does it take to feel any different about what happened?
In my studying, I came across a concept that helps answer some of the hard questions we ask regarding forgiveness. The idea is that actually 3 stages of forgiveness exist: 1) the initial act of forgiving, 2) letting go and 3) atonement. (1) Too often we stop at the first or even somewhere in the midst of the second stage, never experiencing the fullness of forgiveness that God has in store for us.
Stage 1: Forgiving
The first step is the conscious intention to forgive. Forgiveness is a deliberate choice you make. It is saying, “I choose to forgive _______.” Forgiveness is not based on emotions or feelings (because, who really feels like forgiving someone else anyway?). Forgiveness is not saying that what happened is O.K. (because most likely it wasn’t). Nor is it really letting the other guy off the hook (because you aren’t in charge of consequences). Forgiveness is really about you, not the other person. Forgiveness is allowing yourself to move forward instead of living in the past.
What I found interesting in my study is that if the forgiveness process ends at this initial act of forgiving, feelings of guilt (for what I did) or resentment (for what the other guy did) reappear when you least expect them. (2) After making the initial choice to forgive, I also have to decide to move on to the next stage of letting go, which is way more intense and time consuming.
Stage 2: Letting Go
“Letting go means ‘I no longer need the past to have been any different than it was.’ At this stage, you may remember the pain, but you are no longer consumed either with guilt or resentment.” (3) Letting go means accepting that what happened, happened. I may not understand it, but I no longer wish it was different. It just was, and is, part of my story.
A poignant scene from one of my favorite movies, Meet the Robinsons illustrates how the choice of letting go can influence an entire life. Because of time travel, the villain runs into his younger self and emphatically advises him to never “let it go.” The villain listens as the younger Goob relays the sad story of how he lost a baseball game, failing to make the last catch because his roommate, Lewis, had kept him awake the night before “working on his stupid project.” Goob ends by saying, “Afterwards, Coach took me aside and told me to let it go. I don’t know, he’s probably right.”
At this point, the villain passionately yells, “No! Everyone will tell you to let it go and move on, but don’t. Instead, let it fester and boil inside of you. Take these feelings and lock them away. Let them fuel your actions. Let hate be your ally, and you will be capable of wonderfully horrid things. Heed my words, Goob. Don’t let it go.” (4)
Letting go is a little more than just forgetting about what happened. It requires that first step of consciously and deliberately forgiving, and then it involves taking the feelings you experience and refusing to let them fester inside of you. Letting go means not rehashing the incident over and over again. It is choosing to reject the message of your wounds [LINK TO OTHER BLOG]. It is not seeking revenge or ill will on the other person. It is letting God handle any consequences or judgment or justice. It is being kind to yourself by refusing to isolate yourself. Letting go is all these things, and more, simply because it is what is best for you.
Stage 3: Atonement
Somewhere in this process of forgiveness and letting go, you will find yourself in the last stage of forgiveness. Atonement means “you can accomplish something positive that otherwise wouldn’t have been possible. You still remember, and you still may feel the pain, but the act of atonement transforms the pain into a blessing.” (5)
Towards the end of Meet The Robinsons, the main character, Lewis, visibly cringes when he recognizes the villain as his childhood roommate. The villain notices his reaction and says, “I know. I’m disgusting, but one learns to love it.”
Shocked, Lewis asks, “How did you end up like this?”
Goob responds, “Well, it’s a long and pitiful story about a young boy with a dream, a dream of winning a Little League championship, a dream that was ruined in the last inning. We lost by one run because of me. (After many years went by), it was then I realized, it wasn’t my fault, it was yours.” (6)
At this point, you really feel sorry for this pitiful grown man who had not really developed emotionally past his 12 year old self. Choosing to seek revenge, he poured all of his energy into keeping the heartache of his story alive. Many people walk through life keeping their wounds open, needing to constantly tend and maintain them….never letting God transform their pain into blessing.
What kinds of things could you accomplish that without your hurt wouldn’t even be possible? Lately, I’ve been considering my possibilities. I have a necklace that says simply, “Dream.” It reminds me to hope: to wonder what beautiful treasures God has in store for me and to have a dream, to cherish it and hold it close. Not because I never suffered anything, but because I did.
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1. Rabbi Ted Falcon, Ph.D. & David Blatner, Judaism for Dummies (New York, New York: Hungry Minds, Inc., 2001), 237.
2. Ibid.
3. Ibid.
4. McKim, Dorothy (Producer), & Anderson, Stephen (Director). (2007). Meet The Robinsons [DVD]. United States: Walt Disney Home Entertainment.
5. Rabbi Ted Falcon, Ph.D. & David Blatner, Judaism for Dummies (New York, New York: Hungry Minds, Inc., 2001), 237.
6. McKim, Dorothy (Producer), & Anderson, Stephen (Director). (2007). Meet The Robinsons [DVD]. United States: Walt Disney Home Entertainment.
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